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Impress Yourself! Your happiness depends on it

“We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

Self-esteem – the holy grail of success! – is central to so many aspects of a happy, fulfilling life. Our sense of confidence, courage, ambition and worth sprout from our self-esteem like branches from a tree trunk, reaching into every aspect of our lives. Our work, our relationships, even our physical presence is infused with self-esteem. When it runs weak, our branches wilt; and when it courses through our veins, we grow strong and vibrant.

It influences everything we do and are – and yet, it’s so intangible! So mysterious. Some people seem born with it; others really struggle for it. Most of us fall somewhere in between, feeling it ebb and flow over time. One thing is certain: self-esteem is tied to happiness. And that makes it worth investigating – right?

Let’s take a closer look and see what it takes to develop self-esteem, why we tend to struggle with it, and what specific steps we can take to raise our self-esteem.

Syndicated radio therapist Dr. Laura Schlessinger once said, “In order to build your self-esteem, you need to impress yourself.” In other words, when you are genuinely pleased with yourself, your sense of pride rises – and any time you are unimpressed with your behaviours or results, self-esteem plummets.

Simple formula, right? So it may seem, but impressing yourself is no simple task. Why? Because we hold such high expectations of ourselves that it takes a LOT to impress ourselves!

Most of us are so self-critical that it is virtually impossible to earn our own approval. We are so busy looking at how far we have to go that we ignore how far we’ve come! We habitually gloss over our successes, setting our sights on the next goal before we stop to celebrate a win. We downplay our minor achievements, thinking, it was nothing… no big deal.

And that is a grave mistake. Every time we indulge that one little habit, we deny ourselves an opportunity to develop self-esteem.

The definition of self-esteem is “seeing one’s self as worthy of esteem or respect; a feeling of pride in yourself.” Psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden, perhaps the world’s leading authority on the subject, defines self-esteem as “seeing one’s self worthy of happiness.” In other words, good enough to be proud of. Good enough for YOU to be proud of.

One of the most common traps in the quest for self-esteem is trying to impress other people. Our parents, siblings, friends… neighbors, co-workers, boss… that guy at the gym, that young lady at the coffee shop. If you look good in their eyes, that’s something to be proud of, right?

Wrong. As it turns out, if you doubt yourself, the more success and approval you attain, the more you feel like a fraud.

Self-esteem is an inside job. It starts deep within and radiates outward, through everything you do and say; it’s reflected in your posture, intonation and presence. It enlivens and animates you; it colours your reputation; it commands respect. You can’t paint it on with the right clothes, the right car or the right joke.

Fortunately, there is a lot we can do to improve our self-esteem. Here are five ways to build yourself up, from the inside out:

1. Check your expectations.
   Do you expect too much of yourself? High standards exist to inspire you, not serve as a constant reminder that you’re not measuring up. Be willing to tweak your expectations of yourself to make them a bit more attainable. Only ask of yourself what you would ask of a “normal” person. You’re likely to hit the mark – and when you exceed it, you’re guaranteed to impress yourself.

2. Celebrate your wins!
   When good things happen – when you reach a milestone, achieve a goal or follow through on an intention (even a small one!) – make a point to stop, acknowledge and celebrate. You deserve it! Life is more than just climbing the mountain; it’s also about turning around and appreciating how far you’ve come. That’s what makes all the climbing worthwhile! Start a journal of personal achievements and challenge yourself to enter something every day… even if it’s as minor as getting out of bed on time. The more you look for your wins, the more you will see, and the stronger your self-esteem will become.

3. Honour your word.
   Following through on your commitments… speaking honestly… communicating consciously and non-violently… these behaviours are deeply connected to a sense of self-respect. Have you ever noticed how awful you feel when your words and your actions are out of alignment? Even if you “get away with” telling a lie or failing to follow through, a guilty conscience will make sure you pay the penalty in self-esteem points. The same holds true when you lose your temper and unload on someone – whether they deserved it or not. Practice communicating your position without doing damage to yourself or others.

4. Lead with your heart.
   One of the easiest ways to feel good about yourself is to show you care about others. Random acts of kindness are fun and inspiring, and they benefit the giver as much as the recipient. Watch for moments when you can lend a hand, offer words of encouragement, or acknowledge someone’s effort. Step out of your comfort zone to show that you care about a fellow human being and you will impress yourself every time.

5. Vanish your “shoulds” – and embrace your “coulds.”
   We all have things in the back of our minds that we think we “should” do… but we don’t. Exercise more? Call Mom? Watch less television? Whatever it is, those “shoulds” are taking a huge toll on your self-esteem. The longer you ignore them, the more damage they do. In the wise words of author Louise Hay,

I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice. I would like to take the word should and remove it from the vocabulary forever. I’d replace it with the word could. Could gives us a choice, and we are never wrong.

I couldn’t agree more! Here’s a powerful strategy to turn your shoulds into coulds, and give yourself a massive self-esteem boost.

Conquer Your Inertia! 4 Steps to Get Clear and Get Moving

1. Identify the one thing you could START doing that would make the biggest positive impact in your life. And, identify the one thing you could STOP doing that would benefit you the most. Chances are, you already know what these things are; you’ve probably had more than a few conversations with yourself about them. Take a few minutes to get crystal clear that yes, these are the two things I could address that would make the biggest difference in my life. Write each one down.

2. Next, make a detailed list of the benefits that will come when you follow through on these.

3. Now make a detailed list of why you’ve been resisting these steps.

Ex. The one thing I could start doing that would really benefit my life is: exercising daily.

4. Once you’ve gotten clear, it’s time to start taking steps that will move you in the right direction. Start with simple, easy to achieve steps. Maybe you share your list with a supportive friend. Maybe you start with just five minutes of exercise a day. Whatever it is, acknowledge yourself for moving in the right direction, every step of the way. Stick with it, and as your track record improves, you will feel yourself becoming the person you always knew you could be.

When you activate the potential that lies within you, your self-esteem rises exponentially! So go ahead… impress yourself.

Margaret Page

Posted by Margaret Page in A Page of Insight.