April 11, 2018
Women, tell me if you’re familiar with this scenario: You tell a colleague that her work on a presentation was stellar — clear, concise, funny, thoughtful. You walked away with amazing insights and tell her you appreciate her hard work.
And then she brushes it off.
“Oh, it wasn’t that good,” she says.
Or, “I had a lot of help.”
Or maybe even: “I could have done better if I had done more to prepare.”
Sound familiar? You might be cringing right now because you’ve been that woman throwing away a compliment as if it were a hot potato. Can you imagine a man doing such a thing? Why is it that we have such a difficult time just saying, “Thank you! I worked hard.” Or, even better, taking that compliment to heart and really savouring it?
The urge to throw away compliments is real. According to a study by Robert Herbert, a sociolinguist, compliments given from one man to another were accepted 40 percent of the time. Yet women accept only a dismal 22 percent of compliments from other women. (Interestingly, woman accept compliments 68 percent of the time when given by men.)
What makes us throw up our compliment armor? There are several reasons why.
- We don’t want to stand out. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true: Women who stand out from the crowd can be perceived as overly ambitious or social climbers. Rejecting a compliment keeps you on a level playing field.
- We don’t want to seem stuck up. Accepting a compliment can make it seem like you’re acknowledging something good about yourself — and in a woman’s world, even the simple act of saying “thank you” can be perceived as self-aggrandizement.
- We think we’re being tricked. Laura Brannon of Kansas State University says that if we think the complimenter wants something out of us, we’re less likely to believe the compliment.
So what would the world look like if women started accepting more compliments? Personally, I think more women would be empowered in their day-to-day lives and more courageous in business. When someone gives me a compliment, I take it. If you want to take the time to tell me something nice, I want to take the time to enjoy it. And it shows respect to the compliment giver!
Here are my three tips for accepting any compliment:
- Don’t deflect. Accept the compliment. Say thank you. Not “thank you, but …” Just “thank you.” There’s no need to deflect well-earned praise.
- Don’t insult yourself. Not only does insulting yourself lower your self-esteem, it puts the complimenter in the uncomfortable situation of not only offering you a compliment but also acting as your psychotherapist. Take your praise!
- Avoid a compliment battle. There’s no need to one-up your compliment with another compliment. Not only can the situation turn awkward fast, but you don’t want your compliment to come across as insincere. Save your compliments for when you can be thoughtful and authentic.
What are you going to do the next time someone gives you a compliment? Tell me in the comments below! If you’d like tips on how to give praise, check out this blog post on how to craft the perfect compliment.
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Posted by Margaret Page in Uncategorized, Communication, Etiquette Edge and tagged appreciation, gratitude, manners, thank you, good manners, compliments, Gain Confidence, etiquette tips, Class and Communication Skills with Etiquette Products, grace
January 21, 2011
“The tea ceremony requires years of training and practice… yet the whole of this art, as to its detail, signifies no more than the making and serving of a cup of tea. The supremely important matter is that the act be performed in the most perfect, most polite, most graceful, most charming manner possible”.
~Lafcadio Hearn
I love to travel. I love to see new places and meet new people — and experience their culture. And even though I’ve never been to Japan, I’m fascinated by their culture. And one of the things I’ve really enjoyed taking part in (a few times!) is The Japanese Tea Ceremony.
Here’s a bit about the ceremony—or should I say, ceremonies—to perk your interest. (Yes, that was a tea-ism…and corny, I know, but had to do it.)
The Scoop
One of Japan’s most honored customs, the Japanese Tea Ceremony is a traditional ritual, influenced by Zen Buddhism, in which powdered green tea, or matcha, is prepared by a skilled practitioner and served to a small group of guests in a tranquil setting.
- The host draws the boiling water from the pot.
Throughout the year there are various kinds of ceremonies–each one with specific names according to the time of day, the occasion of the tea ceremony, or the season in which the ceremony is held. No matter when, or where the ceremony is held, this common thread remains: the tea ceremony involves the preparation and serving of tea to a guest or guests.
Each tea ceremony has a host or hostess who will customarily wear a kimono. The ceremonies may be held either inside and outside and can last from one to five hours, depending on the type of ceremony.
If the tea is going to be served in a separate teahouse, the guests will wait outside until they are summoned. When invited inside, guests will remove their shoes and enter the teahouse through a small door, where they will proceed to the “tokonoma,” or the alcove.
A simple meal, called a “kaiseki,” may be served, followed by sake. When the meal is finished, the guests usually leave the area where the tea ceremony is being held until the host or hostess calls them back once more. It’s at that time that the tea ceremony truly begins.
Next, in the Japanese Tea Ceremony, the instruments – used to make the tea – are cleaned. Each utensil—including the tea bowl (chawan), whisk (chasen,) and tea scoop (chashku)—is ritually cleaned in front of the guests in very precise ways. This process is a time where guests remain silent, observing the process.
The Japanese tea is much more than “serving tea,” it’s about being present in the moment. The quiet rituals within the ceremony lend to the overall experience of slowing down time. It’s all very peaceful.
Once the instruments are cleaned, the host will make the tea – with a measured amount of green tea powder, whisking it with hot water. The host will bow to the guest in attendance who is the most honourable, who will drink from the bowl first and then return the bow to the host.
When the guest of honour (the first guest) passes the bowl to the next guest, he must turn the bowl so that when it is presented the second guest’s lips will not touch the same place on the bowl as the first guest.
After all the guests have had tea, the host will clean the utensils. As part of the tradition, the guest of honour will request that the host allow the guests to examine the utensils. Each guest will admire each item, treating them as though they were invaluable treasures. Then, the host will collect all the utensils and the guests will exit the teahouse. The host will bow from the door …signaling the end of the tea ceremony.
A Japanese Tea Ceremony, to me, is an event far removed from my afternoon Pot-O-Red-Rose. It is delightful, peaceful…meaningful. Perhaps we could incorporate some of these traditions within our own culture? Modified slightly to fit our Western way of life?
What do you think? In a world so intent on getting as much done in a 24-hour period as we can, can you see yourself setting aside 4 hours for a reflective time of quiet and green tea?
Bonus! Etiquette Tip: When seating guests in a Japanese-style room, the correct etiquette is to seat the most important guest with his or her back facing the tokonoma. This is because of modesty; the host should not be seen to show off the contents of the tokonoma to the guest, and thus it is necessary not to point the guest towards the tokonoma.
And now the answers to Tea Trivia!
Last week i posted these trivia questions for readers, and thought it only fair to share the answers!
- The Boston Tea Party
- Earl Grey.
- 180 degrees F or 82.
- Low tea..because it was served on low tables, such as coffee table
- The leaves are pan fried.
- See above!
- Darjeeling tea, grown in India.
How many did you get right?
images: Amy Otoko
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Posted by Margaret in International Etiquette and tagged tea etiquette, grace, honor, Japanese Tea Ceremony, rituals, tranquility
