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February 17, 2010
Why, oh why, do people talk so LOUDLY on their cell phones? Everyone notices it, many complain about it… and yet everyone does it.
So, why? What is that phenomenon all about?
A friend of mine, who happens to be in the field of telecommunications, recently enlightened me on this matter. As it turns out, cell phones are missing a bit of technology that our land-line phones have – the mechanism that helps us hear ourselves talking.
In regular telephones, we have something called a network card. One of its functions is to re-route a bit of your speech from the mouthpiece back to the earpiece. The speaker hears themselves talking, which helps them regulate their speaking volume. This is called sidetone.
For some reason, cell phones don’t have sidetone, so we don’t hear ourselves through the earpiece. It doesn’t seem like that should matter much, but it does.
Because our first experiences were with land-line phones, we subconsciously learned to listen for our own voice through the earpiece. When we don’t hear it on cell phones, we instinctively TALK LOUDER.
Maybe this bit of information will help soothe your nerves when a fellow shopper is telling the entire store about her colonoscopy. Or, maybe not.
However, now that you know that we all tend to do this, make sure YOU don’t broadcast your personal life by accident. I promise you, the rest of us really don’t want to know.
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Posted by Margaret in Everyday Etiquette and tagged cell phone etiquette, privacy
February 16, 2010
I recently traveled to Las Vegas for my daughter’s wedding – a real-life, Rock-n-Roll Elvis wedding.
My friends had to chuckle at the idea of an Etiquette Maven at an Elvis wedding, as if this was somehow a volatile combination. But the truth is, I was completely charmed by the whole event! “Elvis” was so engaging; he had the whole group singing and dancing. It was fun, light-hearted, full of music and spirit, and most certainly memorable.
When I returned home and expressed my delight, those chuckling friends were so surprised. “We never thought you’d enjoy something so tacky as a fat singer in a sequined, polyester jumpsuit – and at a wedding, no less!”
It was my turn to chuckle. Their idea of an etiquette maven was so cliché – prim and proper and restrained – and in their minds, an Elvis wedding was 180° the opposite!
So, for the record, I’ll say it again:
Etiquette is all about having a good time – and making sure others are too. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a velvet cape and crown or shiny gold polyester. If you make your guests feel welcome, comfortable and carefree, that’s social grace.
And in that light, it was a roaring success. In fact, at the end of the evening, I just couldn’t help myself… I took my exit with a curled lip and a jaunty little smile, saying, “Thank you, thank you very much…” because it truly was a lovely event.
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Posted by Margaret in Wedding Etiquette and tagged Elvis wedding, Las Vegas
February 13, 2010
If you ever…
- Interrupt a real-life conversation to take a (non-urgent) call
- Half-way participate in conversations while gazing at a screen
- Talk on a cell phone while paying for groceries
- Talk on the phone while using the restroom
- Fixate on a video/computer game (Solitaire, anyone?)
- Zone out and mindlessly eat in front of the television, then pullyourself off the couch and wonder where the hours (and food!) went…
…chances are, you’ve been techno-tized.
There’s something about the power of the almighty screen that shifts our minds into neutral. We suddenly become preoccupied and passive, falling into a trance where the screen dominates our attention while the world – and people – around us fade away.
If you’ve ever tried to talk to a child watching television, you understand this phenomenon well. But adults are just as guilty. We’ve all seen two people in a restaurant, ignoring each other but talking on cell phones as they eat.
To be fair, technology has come so far, so fast, that we can’t help but be fascinated. Have you seen computer graphics these days? And the animation in movies… wow!
But the point is this: technology is changing our culture – and it’s doing so at a shockingly fast pace. It takes us into uncharted social territory, where there are no rules (yet). And even if there were rules, they too would change by next year, maybe sooner.
So this leaves us all wondering: how do we behave? Where should we draw the line? What can we assume about what’s acceptable – and what’s not?
Here’s the bottom line: No matter how fascinating technology gets, do we really want to live in a world where people are more loyal to their entertainment, gadgets and games – than to other people?
Technology is as wonderful as its positive impact on our lives. The moment is starts drawing power from your relationships and real-world life, it’s probably time to…
*click*
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Posted by Margaret Page in Everyday Etiquette and tagged cell phones, distractions, technology, video games
December 15, 2009
I have a very important question for you: Are you living a passionate life?
When the word passion comes up, most people think of romantic passion… but that’s not what I’m talking about.
Passion, in the broader sense of the word, is the deep inner drive to reach for what you love. It’s an energy, so personal and powerful that it’s often hard to describe. But it’s definitely not hard to feel.
Passion makes us come alive! It engages our hearts, minds, and spirits. It gives us a sense of vitality and joy, even a sense of purpose. It makes life more meaningful – and a lot more enjoyable!
But passion isn’t just about having more fun in life. Passion is power! When we feel inspired and excited, we unlock a deep well of creativity, vision and well-being. We become better leaders, more committed partners, more engaged in everything we do.
People thrive on passion. It makes us feel more confident, more authentic, more rooted in integrity. It’s a magical thread that weaves vibrance into every aspect of our lives.
So I ask you again: are you living a passionate life? Here are a few ways to tell.
1. When you sit down at your desk, how do you feel: tired or inspired?
2. When you think about your life, do you knit your bows with worry, or light up with a self-assured smile?
3. If I asked you about your future, would you respond with a vague shrug – or would you tell me about your purpose and aspirations with a contagious burst of confidence and excitement?
Your answers have little to do with your personality, finances, relationships or career… but they have everything to your personal sense of passion.
What makes you light up inside?
If you’re coming up with more question marks than answers, don’t be dismayed. It doesn’t mean you’re lacking passion, it just means you’ve gotten lost in the “doing” of life – paying the bills, doing the chores and handling the upsets. That’s part of life – but that’s not really living.
To get in touch with your passion, you need some quiet time to sit and reflect. With a few questions to guide you and a little support, you’ll have your ah-ha moments in no time.
Think about it…
• When do you feel like you’re really expressing who you are?
• What makes you lose track of time or feel “in the zone”?
• If you had all the time and money in the world, how would you spend them?
These are the kinds of questions that reveal what’s really important to us.
I recently had the pleasure and privilege of working with a “Passion Mapping” coach to explore my own passions. Without revealing too many personal details, I can assure you that it was a revealing and rewarding process, one that continues to inspire me every day.
In fact, it resonated so strongly that I became a Passion Map facilitator myself. I am delighted to support others in discovering the key words, concepts and actions that make them hum with excitement, as these are the touchstones that lead people into their most fulfilling life.
If you get the feeling that you could use some support in discovering your unique set of passions, please don’t hesitate to contact me to learn more about the Passion Mapping process.
As a Coach, I recommend:
At the beginning of every year, people are often inspired to create New Year’s Resolutions. These resolutions reflect our desire to realign our daily lives, so we can feel more like the person we truly are.
This year, I encourage you to drop any goal that reflects a “should” (I should lose weight, I should stop smoking, I should get out of debt). Instead, create goals that support your passions!
For example, if you love to be creative, resolve to join an art class. If you love to make a difference, resolve to volunteer your time every week. If you love to be around children, resolve to honor that.
When you actively discover and engage your passions, your quality of life increases exponentially. That’s the power of passion.
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
October 30, 2009
A dear friend recently said to me, “Margaret, you can squeeze more into a day than anybody I know. How do you juggle so many things?” Her motherly tone betrayed a certain degree of concern, as if I was surely headed for burnout.
Taking a step back, I could see where she was coming from. I do stay very active, but despite my full schedule, I don’t run on adrenaline or push myself too far.
As much as I wanted to smile sweetly and say, “It’s easy… I have no husband!” I decided to share a bit of wisdom instead.
One of my favourite poems has always been “The Art of Living” by James Michener. It goes like this:
“The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labour and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing.”
“He simply pursues his vision of excellence….” What a great line! Isn’t that what life is really all about?
The highest performing people in the world are clearly pursuing a vision of excellence – and in the process, they create remarkable results. When you really focus on and commit to your vision of excellence, work isn’t labour – its progress. Instead of draining you, it excites you. Instead of pushing towards the goal, it feels like you’re being pulled. The goal becomes utterly compelling.
It’s easy to focus and stay engaged in your work when you feel personally committed to, and aligned with, what you’re doing. It’s at this point that massive results become nearly effortless.
THAT is exactly what I want for my life – and for your life too! So let’s take a minute to ask ourselves: how do we develop that relationship to our work? How can we stay focused on a vision of excellence?
Here are eight strategies that will help you master the art of living:
1. Maintain a strong personal foundation – Eat healthy foods, exercise often, sleep well, feed your brain and clear out your emotional baggage. After all, if your foundation isn’t strong, you really can’t build much on top of it, can you?
2. Streamline and optimize your life wherever you can. Stay organized in all parts of your life – clothes, tools, filing, calendar, house, resources, finances, contacts, vehicles, etc. Adjust your processes and work on your habits to make life as effortless as possible.
3. Stick to your strengths – Do you have a solid sense of your own personal strengths? If you haven’t done so yet, take some time to get crystal clear on them. Think about the things that come easily to you, the things that people consistently complement you on. If you struggle with this, ask friends and family for input, or try the free strengths assessment at www.viasurvey.org. Once you know what you’re best suited to do, you can adjust your life to invest more time and attention in those areas.
4. Become a masterful delegator – When you embrace the “stick to your strengths” philosophy, you learn to be on the lookout for the strengths of other people too. If you’re not good at something, or you just don’t like doing it, find someone with a talent for that particular task. Why tie up your own creative energy in something that you’re just not suited to do? My mantra is, “Do it, dump it or delegate it!”
5. Grow your network – Research shows that most millionaires have an extensive database of connections, which positions them as a hub of resources, knowledge, connections and creative ideas. They become “mavens” – people who accumulate knowledge and information in a lot of different areas. Do you know who and where to go to get knowledge or things done well? Continue to develop your network of contacts over time and establish a system to stay in touch with these people. They can make your life much easier!
6. Be a thread follower – Whether you’re reading a book, or having a conversation, or watching a show, or even daydreaming in the shower… if something captures your attention or sparks a question, follow that thread. Make a note, do some research, ask some questions. So many times, by following a thread, a door of opportunity will open up.
7. Know and leverage the power of environments. Thomas Leonard, the founder of personal coaching, described seven environments that have a profound impact on people: physical (home, work, possessions), interpersonal relationships (professional, personal, familial), network of contacts (colleagues, customers, web contacts, circle of influence), nature (seasons, animals, plants, outdoors) and memetic (ideas, events, information, thoughts), yourself (body, talent, heart, spirit, personality), and intangible things like space, values, and energy sources. Explore these aspects of your own life… how can you adjust them so they have a better influence on you?
8. Confidence – When you feel fully committed to the work you are focused on, let that commitment carry you through any shadows of doubt or fear. In other words, feel the fear and do it anyway! If you know you’re on the right track, it won’t be too hard. Just keep your attention on where you want to go.
Each person’s vision of excellence is highly personal. If you encounter those (like my dear friend) who question your pace or commitment, stand up for your vision of excellence, not with righteousness or indignation, but with pride and certainty.
After all, in the art of living, your life is your masterpiece. Make it grand!
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
August 15, 2009
In over 30 years as a businesswoman, I’ve noticed a distinct difference in how men and women approach selling and marketing.
While sales can be challenging for everyone, women seem to have more trouble approaching prospects and asking for business. As a woman, I can sympathize. Hey, we like to be the ones to get approached! But jokes and gender stereotypes aside, women in business are often searching for a marketing and sales model that feels genuine, authentic and natural to them.
No one likes to be pressured by the persuasive tactics of a salesperson, and no one likes to feel like they’re trying to “get something out of” a prospect. There’s a fundamental tension built into the sales process, all based on “what I want from you.”
Many women find this very uncomfortable. For some, they simply won’t engage. They would rather walk away from a deal than pressure the prospect and risk the relationship.
This isn’t the only mental roadblock women in sales struggle with. Just as common are:
- A belief that selling is the same as persuading and manipulating;
- A lack of confidence that stems from lack of sales training and experience;
- Old social standards that encourage women to be passive, feminine and humble, not bold and assertive.
Often, I find myself asking a female coaching client, “What’s more important: you being passive and humble, or your prospect benefiting from your service?” I go on to explain that the best marketers and networkers fuel their sales with this mindset: “I know something that may be valuable to you. Let’s talk more.”
This approach is so clean and pressure-free that it feels very natural and easy. It can even be heartfelt. And it works especially well for women, who are naturally inclined to connect and be supportive.
To move the conversation from Step One to Final Sale, a businesswoman must have a good grasp on her particular sales strengths. After all, we call on several aspects of ourselves to sell – communication, rapport building, empathy and more – and when you figure out what you’re naturally adept at, you can rely on your strengths as the core of your marketing and sales efforts.
For example, someone who has a hard time with face-to-face selling can use their writing skills to launch a publicity campaign. If you hate cold calling (and who doesn’t?), try advertising. If you freeze up at networking events, try an e-mail campaign. If you struggle to write publicity material, do more public speaking.
Which avenues will help you share your gifts, strengths and abilities with your ideal prospects? There are so many ways to promote yourself and your work… if one approach doesn’t feel good, don’t do that! Brainstorm alternatives until you uncover an idea that feels like a good fit for you.
When your sales and marketing approach feels authentic – when it suits your style, fits your personality, and represents you with strength – it generates effortless results. It becomes magnetic to your ideal prospect. And it leads to much more happiness and fulfillment for you.
As a coach, I recommend:
If marketing and selling feel uncomfortable to you, spend some time getting clear on what you bring to the table. What are your skills, competitive advantages and unique aspects? Work on this until you feel clear and solid about what you offer.
Next, make a concerted effort to identify your personal strengths. Because we’re all too close to ourselves to see ourselves clearly, rely on outside sources: ask those who know you best for input, and take a strengths assessment. (You can find a terrific one, for free online at www.viasurvey.org.)
Finally, with this information, ask yourself: what marketing and sales approach works best with my strengths and offerings? What approach best represents what I bring to the table?
Each one of us contributes a unique set of skills, talent and expertise to the marketplace – these are your gifts. Know them, leverage them, work them. That’s why you have them! They are the key to your success.
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
May 15, 2009
“Don’t agonize. It slows you down.”
– “Non-perfectionist” Isaac Asimov
In some way or another, we all struggle with currents of negativity that swirl in our minds. But the people who learn to confront it, challenge it and conquer it — those are the people who move ahead more swiftly, easily and joyfully.
This realization really hit home for me when I saw Academy Award-winning actress Geena Davis deliver a speech about her quest to earn a spot on the 2000 Olympic archery team. She told us about the day a world-class archery coach joined her on the field to assess her skills. Her nerves ran high as she took her stance, positioned her bow and arrow and released her first shot. It landed far from the center of the target.
The coach asked, “What were you thinking just now, when you missed?”
Geena responded, “I was thinking I’m an idiot — I missed.”
He instructed her to shoot again. She shot, she missed, and again he asked, “What were you thinking?”
“I can’t believe I missed again! What an idiot! Why am I even doing this? I’m over 40… I’m too old for this!”
He turned and looked her in the eye. “Do you hear what you tell yourself all the time? What if, instead of berating yourself, you said, ‘Ok… the next shot will be even better!'”?
In those few moments, Geena Davis learned to conquer the critical voice within. If only we all had such a coach! Because we all have a critical voice within.
“I look pretty good today!” (If only I didn’t have that belly bulge and those wrinkles around my eyes.) “I think I have a chance at this promotion.” (As long as no one finds out about the mistakes I made.) “I think he’s flirting with me!” (Nah, probably not… what would he see in me?)
For many people, that negative inner chatter becomes so incessant, so insistent, that it actually disrupts their sense of what’s true.
In some cases, the critical voice develops into Imposter Syndrome. First mentioned in a 1978 study of high-achieving women, Imposter Syndrome is a vague sense of anxiety and self-doubt that comes from thinking you’ve “fooled” everyone into thinking you’re better than you “know” yourself to be. By this point, the critical voice has become so convincing that you’re buying everything it says! No matter how much proof there is that you’re successful, smart, capable, beautiful and otherwise wonderful, the critical voice within convinces you otherwise. You feel like a fraud and you’re waiting for the day when someone will find out what you really are.
This mindset is much more common than you might think. It strikes people from all walks of life – teachers, policemen, doctors, etc. — but it is generally associated with high achieving, successful people. (This distinguishes it from low self esteem, where people generally underachieve.)
The critical voice within tends to discount achievement and overemphasize failure, leaving us spinning in a whirlpool of unrealistic standards. For those under the spell of the critical voice, success is often dismissed as luck, timing, coincidence, or the idea they deceived someone. Instead of internalizing success, they feel like a fake.
Can you identify with this tendency, even a little bit? It’s not an all-or-nothing situation. You might feel like an imposter in some situations but not others, or in varying degrees.
Here are a few statements that might sound familiar:
- “I can give the impression that I am more competent than I really am.”
- “I am often afraid that others will discover how much I don’t know.”
- “I just got lucky this time. It was a fluke.”
- “It’s no big deal.”
- “I did well because it was easy.”
Those in the grip of the critical voice also tend to:
- Give people the answers that she believes they want
- Work harder in order to prevent people from discovering she’s an “imposter”
- Feel that praise is based on charm, not ability
- Exhibit perfectionist tendencies
- Have a hard time accepting compliments
If these traits feel uncomfortably familiar, take heart: There are a number of very effective steps you can take to reduce the volume and frequency of your critical voice within. If you consistently challenge it, you’ll begin to feel as sharp and accomplished as everyone else seems to think you are.
As a coach, I recommend:
1) Catch your “critical voice” in action, and instead of letting it breeze through the back of your mind, drag it out in the light and challenge it. “You just said what?” Here’s a little piece from the Dove Real Beauty Campaign that illustrates how this process can unlock some powerful personal realizations.
2) Retrain your brain. If you catch yourself thinking something like, “They’re going to figure out I have no idea what I’m doing,” counter that thought with a positive one: “It’s okay to figure it out as I go along. Everyone goes through this.” Or, like Geena’s archery coach taught, tell yourself, “Next time, I’ll be even better.”
3) Tweak the critical voice to make it humorous. You could speed it up, slow it down, exaggerate it, give it a Mickey Mouse™ voice or even give it a nickname. When you can laugh at it, it won’t have as much influence.
4) Build a “reminder book” of all the compliments that come your way. Build up proof that you are indeed fabulous, so you can remind yourself of that when you feel about as wonderful as old cardboard. Keep it on your desk and paste in e-mails and pictures. Jot down compliments religiously – especially when you don’t feel like it. That’s when they count the most.
5) Escape the trap of perfectionism. While it can indicate a healthy drive to excel, perfectionism usually holds people back. Remember, do a great job when it matters most, and learn to let a few things slide (it’s okay, we all do it).
The most important step is this: Learn to separate feelings from fact. Just because you feel incompetent doesn’t mean you are. Just because you feel unattractive doesn’t mean you are. Remember, thoughts and feelings are temporary!
On that note, I’d like to leave you with some lyrics from one of my favourite songs:
- If I’m afraid it doesn’t mean that I’m not brave
- And if I doubt, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost faith
- And if I fall, it doesn’t mean I can’t go on
- And if I cry, it doesn’t mean that I’m not strong.
(from “Doesn’t Mean that I’m Not Strong” by Jana Stanfield and Karen Taylor-Good)
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
March 15, 2009
Our lessons often pop up when we least expect them, and this is exactly what happened to me one August day in 2005.
I had spent the day helping to facilitate a Speaking Circles® workshop in Vancouver with founder Lee Glickstein and psychologist Doreen Hamilton. At the end of the first day, the three of us went out to supper to discuss workshop events and plan for the following day. Naturally the conversation moved to our personal lives. Because I’m single, Doreen asked how I was doing in the relationship department. I revealed that I had recently enlisted the services of a matchmaking company.
“The thing is, I don’t like writing my own profile,” I admitted. “The sample profiles I saw all started with, ‘I am attractive, I am beautiful’ and I was advised to follow this approach because men often use appearance as a key factor in selecting dates. But saying ‘I’m beautiful’ is too in-your-face for me.
“It’s not that I think I am ugly,” I clarified. “I just don’t look at myself as beautiful. I’m really uncomfortable writing, ‘I am a beautiful woman.'”
Doreen looked directly at me, eyes fixed on mine, and declared, “Margaret, you have to claim your beauty!” I began to squirm. And then I did what I generally do when I don’t like where the conversation is going — I changed the subject.
Over the next three days, my mind kept drifting back to Doreen’s assertive statement: “Margaret, you have to claim your beauty.” She was right, of course. Why was I so reluctant to stand up and acknowledge my own beauty? Why did the very idea of it make me uncomfortable?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that most women feel the same way. More often than not, women are far more comfortable acknowledging inner beauty (intelligence, talents, graciousness, generosity, etc.) than their physical appearance. Somewhere along the way, we learned that it’s wrong to judge people by their appearance, and we’ve carried that lesson one step too far – denying our physical beauty. We’re even reluctant to acknowledge another woman’s beauty. Somehow, this seems inherently wrong.
On the last day of the workshop, I was given the task of keeping time and marking points while Doreen and Lee each led a group. I listened and stayed fully present, shifting my attention from one group to the other, and then suddenly I noticed her. There she was – across the room, looking absolutely radiant.
It was several seconds before I realized the woman who looked so gorgeous was me. Yes, me. I had glimpsed myself in the mirrored panel of a piece of furniture halfway between the two groups. And I saw myself as beautiful.
I couldn’t wait to share that discovery with Doreen. When I told her, she was delighted with my news. She hugged me and held me tightly. I said my goodbyes to her and Lee, and I was beaming as I left for my dinner engagement.
I arrived at the restaurant to greet a friend I hadn’t seen in months. Her first comment was, “You look absolutely wonderful!” Twice more through dinner, she said, “I can’t believe how terrific you look.” I beamed.
During my ferry ride home that evening, I sat in silence and marveled at the pleasure running through my veins. That night, I fell into a deep, contented sleep that I hadn’t experienced for years. When I awoke with the sunshine streaming into my room, I knew the world was good. I jumped up, showered, sang and danced while blow-drying my hair.
Later that morning, my real estate agent Patricia showed up for an appointment. She walked in and started talking. Halfway through her first sentence, she stopped, looked closely at me and asked, “Did you get a haircut?” I replied, “No.”
She continued talking as we walked to my kitchen. When we got there, she asked, “Did you lose weight?” I replied, “No.”
She kept talking but suddenly stopped and looked at me more intently. Then she said, “Well, whatever you’re doing, don’t stop. You look absolutely terrific.” Patricia’s comments decorated my life like cherries on top of a sundae. A smile crossed my face – you know, one of those smiles that go from ear to ear and almost hurt, the kind of smile you give when you’re in love.
I’d like to say that euphoric feeling has lasted even to this day, but I have to acknowledge that it has faded, just like being in love can fade. Why? Maybe it’s because each time we look in the mirror, we check for flaws. We ask: Is there anything caught between my teeth? Is my hair in place? Is there any lipstick left on my lips? Are my teeth white enough? Are there stray hairs above my lip? The human mission, it would seem, is to seek flaws and flush out imperfections. Of course, if that’s what we’re looking for, that’s what we see. That’s why we have to keep our attention on our beauty, the magic that naturally radiates from each and every one of us.
From that day forward, I vowed to see much more than my imperfections. Now when I look in the mirror, I wink at myself and say, “Margaret, you are beautiful.”
Not only does this help me appreciate my own radiance, but it also helps me appreciate the beauty of other women as well. Five years ago I would have felt uncomfortable telling a woman, “You’re beautiful!” But now it just flows out of me, a genuine and heartfelt expression of appreciation. Isn’t that beautiful?
As a coach, I recommend:
1. When you receive a compliment, graciously accept it and “take it in.”
Don’t resist it, don’t argue with it, don’t deflect it or bounce it back to the person who gave it. Take a deep breath and savour it. Smile and say thank you!
Loretta LaRoche, a humorist and stress management expert, points out that many of our conversations are based on negative talk. For example, each person tries to “out-do” the other in expressing how overwhelmed they are. “I am so busy,” one might say. The other replies, “You think that was bad. Well, I had to….” Resist this temptation. Instead, celebrate each other with compliments. It feels so much better.
2. Create a brag book, an archive of compliments.
In her book Make a Name for Yourself, brand strategist Robin Fisher Roffer recommends creating a brag book. This binder or notebook contains a collection of the wonderful compliments people give you. Rereading these acknowledgments can give you a boost of confidence when you’re faced with a difficult task.
One way to start this process is to contact 20 people and ask them to share three things they see in you. This takes courage, but I promise you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what comes back.
I’ve been collecting and compiling compliments for months, and it really does make a difference. Instead of sweeping compliments under the rug in my rush through life, it forces me to honour what people see in me. My inner critic no longer rules the day. This book also encourages me to give compliments more often.
3. When you look in the mirror, break the habit of checking for flaws. Instead, wink! Say something complimentary. Then blow yourself a kiss and say, “I am beautiful!”
While this may seem silly or self indulgent at first, it will lighten your spirits and remind you to focus on your beauty. Try it — it works!
4. Let the mirror tell you to just “be” beautiful.
Our lives are so filled with “doing” that we rarely take time to enjoy “being” by acknowledging our own beauty. So the next time you get ready for the day, tape a note or write directly on your mirror: “I am beautiful.” Because you are.
If this is difficult for you, I encourage you to spend 20-30 minutes with the mirror, looking for only your positive attributes. It might be as simple as recognizing the graceful curve of your neck, the shape of your eyes, or the way you tilt your head when you’re interested in something. This exercise is a quick way to create a huge change in the way you see yourself.
5. Be bold enough to acknowledge another woman’s beauty.
We see ourselves so often that we tend to lose perspective. Go ahead, empower another woman by telling her how attractive she looks. It will give you both a lift.
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
December 10, 2008
Like so many people, I have tried to lose weight many times in the past. There were times I was successful, but the weight slowly crept back on. Other times I was not successful. I just couldn’t stay committed to a thinner way of life.
In the spring of last year, I decided it was time to conquer this pattern once and for all. I brought this to the attention of my coach and she encouraged me to explore the root cause of this pattern: My beliefs about eating.
I realized there was a gap between what I understood about food and eating and taking care of myself, and my beliefs about these things. The evidence was in my behavior. So I decided to explore both sides.
I devoted an entire weekend to this process. On Saturday, I wrote out everything I knew about eating and diets: Eating too much isn’t good for me; too much sugar is not healthy; I don’t feel good when I eat too much; when I don’t eat enough I get hunger pangs; it feels good to have Coke floats and Black Forest cake and all the yummy treats I love. And the list went on. This part of the process was easy and really didn’t take very long.
The next day, I started exploring my beliefs about-and associations with-eating. This next step took a while, but I stuck with it. In fact, I wrote all morning. I soon realized that I had long associated mealtime with fun and family, thanks to my father who loved to cook and play in the kitchen. Childhood memories kept popping up, taking me back to different ages in my life. I realized that my very first memories were about food and how my mom was constantly trying to get me to eat. At the time, I wasn’t very interested in food, so my mom would put sugar on my oranges and cut the crust off the bread — anything to entice me to eat more. I remembered how my dad would bring home Kentucky Fried Chicken as a treat on Friday nights, and how much fun we had every time he tried to eat the giant burger at his favorite hamburger joint, the Burger Baron.
When the thoughts stopped coming, I would get up from my desk and busy myself with a household chore, then return to my desk when another thought popped up. As the day wore on, my awareness grew.
When my writing was complete, I was able to shift my perspective from the person who experiences these feelings to the person who observes them. I realized that what I knew about eating was in conflict with my emotional relationship to food. Therefore, my knowledge about eating was not translating into my behavior.
By stepping back and assessing my patterns, I also recognized that when I ate too much, I didn’t feel good; I was uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. When I didn’t eat as much, I felt better. I recognized that being a little hungry felt much better than feeling too full.
Over the next two to three weeks, I worked on becoming more comfortable with hunger. This was an interesting experience because hunger has a way of triggering a sense of urgency in us; it’s tied to our sense of survival. Over time, I learned to keep a protein bar or apple in my purse so I wouldn’t veer off toward the cinnamon bun stand.
It was very helpful to process all these experiences with my coach, exploring my beliefs and talking through the process without fear of judgment. And with each passing week, I lost more weight. In the course of three months, I dropped 32 pounds. My skin started to look better, and I had a bigger bounce in my step and more energy. It was the best I had felt in a very long time, and I was swimming in my old clothes. Buying smaller clothes was a great joy, and I have to admit it was wonderful to have people constantly telling me, “You look great!”
Later in the year, I took a three-week vacation to Europe for a cooking and wine tasting tour of Tuscany, Italy. I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll just let myself enjoy the trip, and when I return I’ll get back to being disciplined.”
In Europe I indulged — tiramisu, artisan breads, pasta covered in wonderfully rich sauces — so I was a bit hesitant to step on the scale when I returned home. To my delight, I saw that I had only gained half a pound! And by the next week, it was gone.
It’s been six months since I reached my target weight and it truly has been effortless to maintain. I feel firmly anchored in new beliefs now: Feeling hungry is better than feeling too full; my long-range goals are more important than short-term pleasure; compliments feel better than instant gratification.
Food is still part of my fun, but I want to be around a long time, enjoying my family and grandkids. I’d rather be disciplined now than feel my legs give out as I chase my grandson, or worse yet, watch him from the bench. Because this is my focus, I don’t feel deprived at all. I feel only gratitude and joy for my body now and that feels fantastic.
As a coach, I recommend:
If losing weight is one of your goals, I strongly suggest a two-pronged approach.
1. Engage a coach to help you explore and clarify your beliefs about food and eating. The insights that result are invaluable. I truly believe this was a critical component of my success, and I know that it is key to maintaining my new physique.
2. Work with a professional weight loss team. I had a great experience with the Bernstein Clinic, but there are so many options to choose from.
I also recommend a book that that was very helpful in exploring the power of personal values: What Matters Most: The Power of Living Your Values by Hyrum W. Smith. It’s a very effective way to reinforce the understanding that values do determine our behavior, and when you get a firm grip on that truth, it’s much easier to shape your own life.
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
October 15, 2008
A 
couple of years ago, I was working with an author and motivational speaker who set a goal to earn $200,000 a year. When I asked her what she wanted the money for, she replied that it would be used to fund what she called “interesting experiences.” That got me thinking.
Over the course of my practice, I’ve noticed that people who are skilled at defining their goals often fail to allow space for the unpredicted, which frequently develops into what I refer to as a magical experience.
As some of you are aware, I have developed a system to help my coaching clients create powerful and compelling goals. One step instructs the goal-setter to hand-write his/her goals (using the present tense) on cards. To get the ball rolling on the “magical experiences,” I followed the same procedure. On one of my own goal cards I wrote, I am now ready, willing, and able to enjoy the pleasure of having magical adventures.
As is often the case, it didn’t take long for things to start happening.
Two short weeks after writing out the goal, I flew to San Jose, California, to attend the International Coaches Federation conference. I arrived at the Hotel De Anza at 2:45 pm, a full 15 minutes before the posted check-in time.
The handsome young man at the front desk informed me that, due to my early arrival, my reserved room wasn’t yet ready. A room that allowed smoking was offered as an alternative. When I stated that I would prefer to wait until the reserved non-smoking room was available, the desk clerk scanned his computer for other options. Suddenly he asked, “Do you like Paul McCartney?” I replied that I did. He then asked if I would like to go to Sir Paul’s concert that night.
I was confused. Was the desk clerk trying to sell me a ticket to the concert or asking me out on a date? I opted to do the only thing possible at that moment: I stalled. “I didn’t even know that Paul McCartney was in town!” I exclaimed in a desperate attempt to appear witty while trying to determine the reason behind the sudden change of topic.
Sensing my confusion, the desk clerk explained that Paul McCartney was a guest of the hotel and was in need of an additional room that evening. Then the penny dropped, the mental light bulb when on. The reason for the question about my musical taste became clear. If I gave my room to Mr. McCartney, the desk clerk would send me to the Fairmont Hotel for the night. Transportation would be provided via a town car. In the morning, I would return to the Hotel De Anza for the duration of my stay in San Jose. In addition, Mr. McCartney would thank me with a complimentary ticket to his show that evening.
Well, what could a girl say?
I did go to the Fairmont, and at the appropriate time I was taken to the HP Stadium in San Jose for the concert.
The desk clerk had instructed me to give my name at the stadium’s “will call” window and to mention that I was on Paul McCartney’s guest list. I felt a little embarrassed but did as I was told, and almost instantly was handed an envelope. Inside were two tickets to the concert. Bonanza! (Unfortunately I didn’t know anybody in San Jose with whom to share my good fortune.)
Imagine my delight when I discovered my tickets were for seats six and seven in the third row. The third row! I was so close to the former Beatle I could see the two Live Strong bracelets on his arm, and when he turned his back to the audience while reaching for a different guitar at the start of the next song, I could see his hair was starting to thin at the back.
Soon I was groovin’ to “Hey Jude” and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”
During the performance of a newer tune called “English Tea,” my mind started to drift a little, and I thought about the magical adventure I was having and mused about what other people might do to enjoy similarly special moments.
In a serendipitously synchronistic moment, at the end of “English Tea,” Sir Paul talked about the creative process that resulted in that song. He said that when he was writing the lyrics, the term “para adventure” seemed to fit well into the verse. When the composition was complete, he checked the meaning of the term in the hope that it fit the meaning of the song as well as the rhythm. That’s when he discovered “para” meant a “by-chance adventure.” “Isn’t that magical?” he asked the concert audience.
For me, it was indeed a magical adventure!
As a coach, I recommend:
Open yourself up to unexpected adventures by declaring your intention in writing. Find a quiet moment, get centered within yourself, and write a declaration that you are now willing to experience magical, unanticipated adventures. Use your own words, but keep it simple and positive.
Leave your declaration somewhere that you’ll see it and reread it over the next week or two, and consider sharing it with a close friend or relative. These extra steps reinforce the intention and deepen your willingness.
The only thing left to do is watch for the magic to appear! It may be dramatic or subtle, but when it shows up, remember to acknowledge yourself. it was your willingness that allowed it to show up.
Have fun with this! Life can be far more magical than our logical brains can imagine.
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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight
Why, oh why, do people talk so LOUDLY on their cell phones? Everyone notices it, many complain about it… and yet everyone does it.
