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The Rules that We Live By

September 15, 2011

In a recent survey of 26,000 mothers, Parenting.com revealed that 90 percent of moms admit to judging other parents. From how a child behaves to the foods they eat, our parenting is under intense scrutiny – but none so intense as the harsh reviews we give ourselves.

Yes, parents are critical of each other, but I suspect we are much harder on ourselves – and not just in the early years. Whether our kids are babies or adults, we tend to critique ourselves mercilessly.

I just yelled at Johnny. I should have handled that situation with patience and self-control.

I won’t be home until 7:00 p.m. – again. I’m neglecting my family.

I shouldn’t (insert favourite vice here) in front of the kids. I’m setting a bad example.

These moments of self-doubt and internal critiquing can be helpful at best, and draining and demoralizing at their worst.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Because we really want to excel at parenting. We want our children to be happy, healthy and successful. We want to give them every possible advantage before we set them loose in a hyper-competitive world. We want to look back and feel good about our parenting decisions, and the outcomes that resulted. And, we really don’t want to screw up one of our biggest assignments in life.

My children are now grown, but I still find myself judging my parenting. Am I giving the right amount of guidance? Does she want me to ask so many questions? Should I be more involved?

We all want to be “good” parents… but, here’s the critical question: How do you know if you’re a “good” parent? What are the rules of the game?

The undeniable truth is that many of our parenting standards were inherited from our own parents.

Mother never yelled at her kids.

Father always came home by 5:00.

Whether you accept these old-time ideals, reject them entirely, or modify them to suit your own modern life is entirely up to you.

More often than not, we unconsciously accept them. They run on auto-pilot, in the background. Unless we deliberately examine them and determine whether we want to live that way, we tend to measure ourselves and our parenting behaviours against our parents’ style.

BUT! Mother never had to compete with an iPod to be heard, and Father never faced an hour-long commute through gridlock traffic. The standards that your parents lived by may not be appropriate for the fast-paced, technology intensive, urban jungle life that you live in today.

Try telling that to your subconscious mind. It doesn’t care. It’s too busy watching reruns of your childhood.

For the sake of your sanity and inner peace, I strongly encourage you to explore the parenting rules and guidelines you measure yourself against every day.

As you move through the day, listen closely to your internal parenting dialogue. Do you criticize yourself? Do you think negative thoughts about your decisions, habits or circumstances?

Are your parenting goals realistic? Can you really be a bottomless well of focused, positive energy? Of course not! There will be times when you blow a gasket, snap in frustration, or fail to show up on time. And that’s ok! You’re human. There is no need to beat yourself up for those moments when you aren’t at your best.

Here’s what’s important:

Explore your personal standards. Brainstorm your “rules of good parenting,” and shift these goals from your subconscious mind into conscious commitments. Does your parenting style reflect your deepest values? What do health, safety, and manners mean to YOU? What does “being involved in your child’s life” really look like, given your child’s age and your other commitments? Keep a running list of the marks you aim for and adjust them as often as you want.

When you make sure your standards are your own – consciously crafted, not unconsciously adopted from generations past – you become the architect of your own life… and of generations to come.

Questions to Consider:

1.   What makes me feel like a “good” and successful parent?
2.   What values do I want to exhibit in my parenting?
3.   What makes me feel bad as a parent?
4.   Do I allow myself lapses? How do I judge myself when they occur? With patience and understanding, or with frustration and intolerance?
5.   What do kids need and want from me?

Take a few minutes to brainstorm your answers… but when you’re done, don’t tuck them away. This is a working document, one you can use as a “parenting blueprint” as the years go by. When you craft your own framework of parenting guidelines, you empower yourself to be the parent you always wanted to be.

 

 

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Posted by Amazing Editor in A Page of Insight.